Does your partner prioritise everything but you?
Ever feel like you’re last on the list of your partner’s priorities?
See if you can relate to this:
"If my husband of one year is in a predicament about doing something with me and disappointing his children, he always chooses them. I love the boys and have a relationship with them. I also give them free time to do stuff alone without me.
On Saturday night I asked if he could cancel his golf on Sunday to do something with me as I did not have my children and was alone (he plays several times per week with his kids). He told me no. He could not disappoint his children. I was so hurt.. Am I in the wrong, I feel so unimportant?”
It's hurtful when you give out continually only to feel your needs are placed second to everything else. It can also feel very lonely. You can be in a relationship and surrounded by people but still feel alone.
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At times like this in a step family it can be tempting to feed those negative feelings and allow your thoughts to spiral down into a dark hole.
Our thoughts have a huge impact on how we experience life - if we let them. It’s often less about what happens to us and more about how we choose to respond to events that determines the quality of life we live. If you’re hoping for a shift in your relationship, try not to get stuck in the frustration. Instead, acknowledge your feelings, validate them but also look at the situation from different perspectives.
I know that’s way easier said than done. I've been there, and from what I’ve learned, stewing in those tough feelings doesn’t help, it usually just makes things heavier.
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If you’re feeling like you’re not getting enough quality time with your partner, it’s okay to speak up about that. But also try to see things from their side too. In the example above, the father spends every day with his wife but only a couple of days with his kids. From his point of view, it might feel wrong to take away from that limited time with his children for something he feels could wait.
Understanding where each other is coming from and finding a balance that works for both of you will help you move forward.
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Open, caring communication that respects both your needs and your partner’s creates a supportive home environment. ​
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Perhaps you're on the other side of trying to balance your partner's needs with those of your children.
It's difficult trying to balance the needs of your partner with those of your children. Acknowledging and validating each other's feelings is the first part of the process of working together to find a balance and overcome the perception of neglect. No one needs to feel unimportant.
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If this is an issue in your relationship, now is a good time to talk about priorities. Go to chapter one in my book Blended Family Success and write down your order of priorities from the list. How does it compare with your partner's priorities? The discussion questions will guide you. It's just one part of the programme in the book that is designed to assist you both to work together to create and sustain great relationships in your family and, it's a less threatening way of raising the somewhat tricky issues that every couple in a blended family face.
If you don't have a copy yet, find out how to access one here
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Kindest wishes
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Adele C
​p.s. You’ve got nothing to lose and a bunch of effective strategies to gain! Just drop your name and email below, and I’ll send you my free report: 3 Crucial Mistakes That Can Break Up a Stepfamily and How to Avoid Them. Let’s set your family up for success!