Does your partner prioritise everything but you?
Ever feel like you’re last on the list of your partner’s priorities?
See if you can relate to this:
"If my husband of one year is in a predicament about doing something with me and disappointing his children, he always chooses them. I love the boys and have a relationship with them. I also give them free time to do stuff alone without me.
On Saturday night I asked if he could cancel his golf on Sunday to do something with me as I did not have my children and was alone (he plays several times per week with his kids). He told me no. He could not disappoint his children. I was so hurt.. Am I in the wrong, I feel so unimportant?”
It's hurtful when you give out continually only to feel your needs are placed second to everything else. It can also feel very lonely. You can be in a relationship and surrounded by people but still feel alone.
At times like this in a step family it can be tempting to feed those negative feelings and allow your thoughts to spiral down into a dark hole.
Our thoughts will determine the quality of our life if we let them. Life is not so much what happens but your attitude towards it. If you want your relationship to change, avoid wallowing instead and communicate with your partner in a way that honors their needs as well as your own. I know this is easier said than done but speaking from experience, wallowing doesn't change things and will only make you feel worse.
Communicate your feelings to your partner if you feel you're not enjoying enough quality time together but also to look at it from each other's perspective. The father in the above case is with his wife seven days a week and perhaps only sees his children two or three days a week. He might feel it's wrong to take from their time to do something with his wife that can be done when his children aren't around.
Perhaps you're on the other side of trying to balance your partner's needs with those of your children.
It's difficult trying to balance the needs of your partner with those of your children. Acknowledging and validating each other's feelings is the first part of the process of working together to find a balance and overcome the perception of neglect. No one needs to feel unimportant.
If this is an issue in your relationship, now is a good time to talk about priorities. Go to chapter one in my book Blended Family Success and write down your order of priorities from the list. How does it compare with your partner's priorities? The discussion questions will guide you. It's just one part of the entire programme designed to assist you both to work together to create and sustain great relationships in your family and, it's a less threatening way of raising the somewhat tricky issues that every couple in a blended family face.
If you don't have a copy yet, find out how to access one here
Warmest wishes
Adele Cornish
p.s. You’ve got nothing to lose and lots of effective strategies and solutions to gain! To connect with me, enter your name and email below and I'll send you an email giving you access to my free report: 3 Crucial Mistakes Causing Step Family Breakup, & How to Avoid Them