Dealing With Past Hurts
Most of us at some point in our life have experience emotion pain, trauma or rejection which can leave us wounded.
This wounding can manifest itself in a way that makes us display some less than loveable qualities. Some call it 'baggage'. While I don't like the term 'baggage', if we think about it in a literal sense, a bag is something we can choose to hold on to, or put it down.
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Say for example you felt abandoned by someone you trusted. This might make you feel insecure, inadequate and fearful. In practice it might mean that you become clingy in your relationship and in need of continual reassurance or that you find it difficult to trust. These are all normal responses that you are holding on to.
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Now here's the good news...
Research shows us that through an intimate couple relationship, healing can take place. Your couple relationship can become a safe place where you learn to bond, love and trust in a new way; it becomes a corrective learning experience. Through this experience you can learn that it's safe to put down the 'bag' holding insecurities and fear. But this is a journey that takes time.
While you'll find yourself tempted at times to escape problems you face, instead choose to explore your way through them.
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Perhaps your partner might be a little 'worse for wear' by the circumstances life has thrown their way. Expecting perfection sets people up to fail (ourselves included).
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Some who marry do so expecting to be successful in changing their partner's behaviour. We can influence another, but not change them so the choice is then over to you; will you choose to continue to love them despite their faults?
Your love for each other needs to move beyond a ‘feeling’ if your relationship is to succeed. There will be times during your relationship that love must become an action; a choice to stay committed to each other, look for the best in each other, letting go of resentments and choosing to forgive. So while you can’t change your partner, you can change your expectations and attitude in order to succeed.
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This is where it becomes necessary to focus on our partner's strengths and good traits. Don't give up on them or your blended family. Believe the best of them and focus on their potential even if they can’t see it themselves yet.
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The distance between where you are and where you want to be is filled with things you won't always what to do. If you want a successful couple relationship it will mean sailing some rough waters to get there; being loving when you least feel like it, forgiving when you have been wronged, sacrificing your own needs at times to meet the needs of others and asking for help when you can no longer do it on your own.
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Finally,
Love recognises a person's weaknesses but chooses to dwell on their strengths. It's not always easy but we can learn to love an imperfect person in a perfect way and there's no better place to start than in our family.
Be the one to reach out and help heal wounded hearts around you, be it your partner's, child or stepchild's.
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Kindest wishes​
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Adele C
​Author, Presenter, Blended Family Coach & Relationship Therapist
BSW, NZCEFT, MSWRB
p.s. If you'd like some independent, confidential help, support and advice to assist you on your blending journey, check out how I can help you here www.blendedfamilysuccess.nz/coaching
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p.s. You’ve got nothing to loose and lots of effective strategies and solutions to gain! To connect with me, enter your name and email below if you haven't already done so.